When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
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[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
2yr old has discovered how to undress himself, and now I live with a nudist
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.