6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
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Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.