*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
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I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Me driving through Toronto
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”