After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
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daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Who did it better?