I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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Who called it baking and not making love
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia