it’s finally my moment to shine
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My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”