the prophecy has been fulfilled
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The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.