me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.