Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
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“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
it was love at first sight
just left a huge legacy in there
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.