I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
You Might Also Like
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no