If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
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Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat