I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
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Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.