i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
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[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Stop sending me this shit.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”