Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
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[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right