My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
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How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Stick it to the man
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.