Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
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First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Guys, I found it.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Wednesday
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before