If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
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Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Birds & Planes.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
Proofread twice, hang posters once
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
i smell a pulitzer
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.