[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
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On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]