My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
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Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
What I thought was happening: a coworker handed me my vape bc I left it laying around
What was actually happening: my coworker was showing me her new vape which neither of us knew looked exactly like mine
What I did: said “oh thanks” and put it in my pocket
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine