I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
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That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board