wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
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I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
consequences, the bane of my existence
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.