If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
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I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.