Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
You Might Also Like
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
mmm onion ringos
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?