My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
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Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
My favorite type of men is ramen.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.