Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
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Acronyms got me like WTF?
All I want is a tall, handsome guy with the wit of Deadpool who loves me like Westley, has moves like Antonio Banderas -in anything- the intellect of Sherlock, and the courage of a Viking.
An accent would be a bonus.I really don’t think that’s too much to ask.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Every house has this drawer
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.