What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
You Might Also Like
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
Probably my best painting.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it