My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
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“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
even bears disappoint their mothers
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
😂💯