Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
You Might Also Like
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
cats when you pet them too long:
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.