[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
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Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
Good news
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy