“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
You Might Also Like
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Thrilling chase underway
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Phonetics
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..