I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
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Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.