judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
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I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
I got soap in my shower beer again.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …