Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
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He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?