Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
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I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
couldn’t resist
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating