My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
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ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.