a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
saw this in a dream
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
HERE’S MARKY
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.