I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Y’all know who you are.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls