Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
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In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.