Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
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Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*