Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
You Might Also Like
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.