ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
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It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
they finally got him. they got macavity
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.