Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
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[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
People buying plungers never look happy.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
*puts words between two asterisks*
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0