Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
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My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!