Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
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the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?