I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
You Might Also Like
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra