I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
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I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
The dark side of Canada
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie