Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
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Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Wife: morning
Me: good morning
Wife: my parents are coming over for dinner tonight
Me [pouring bleach in my coffee]: uh huh that’s great
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
for all #parents out there
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you