Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
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[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
pls suprot
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
What flavor cupcake are these
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.