On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid