Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
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Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds